Cashmere Long
Since I posted my tweet on my cashmere long I have received a few inquiries on how to get reasonable exposure. Given that it is the middle of the bear market, normies have left, and fundamental research gets low traction - we will instead fill time with fashion advice content since the first one inspired so many.
For those not spending time between the Bahamas and Dubai, it is reasonable to expect you’ll be requiring a cashmere layer in the weeks and months to come. Since most of your net worths have turned negative this year I’ll go easier on the budget (not easy, just -ier).
Still, it’s good to keep in mind that an item that will last you a lifetime is not going to be cheap. Those replying by sending Uniqlo equivalents will be immediately blocked by me on Twitter. If you’re one of the utilitarian types that is like “oh, I’m not spending that much money on a sweater” then just go be a miserable little basement dweller.
You can’t take that number on the screen with you into the afterlife. You might as well enjoy it a little. Between stinginess and opulence there lies liberality and I call that middle ground for a glorious cashmere layer. Don’t forget that crypto wealth is temporary but class is permanent.
Since all of our GFs left us for AI programmers and commodity traders this year, this shopping list is for those who want to buy their cryptobro something nice. Swap that whole portfolio for a single cashmere long, there is no impermanent loss no matter what size. You will not regret it.
What Makes Cashmere A Great Gift
Since we are not able to afford vicuna for another 3-4 years and merino is for stock traders wearing tweed jackets talking about “value investments”, we will focus on cashmere. Let’s dive into the fundamentals of cashmere.
The difference between quality and cheap cashmere is huge. Not only price-wise. If you want to learn more about different fibers and processes that go to making you feel comfortable and look fabulous I recommend this thread:
First of all, I like the fact that cashmere knits will complement your massive traps. With a little added silk (the standard combo is 70% cash and 30 % silk) you can actually start adding a little cashmere layer on colder summer evenings to make your traps more present at the moment. If you do not own a reasonably sized trapezius you’ll be left wearing this synthetic fiber bs such as this one:
I am not saying a set of mountain-looking traps is a prerequisite for owning a cashmere layer but it’s a nice complement. Traps and cashmere just go together. I guarantee you SBF does not own a single cashmere piece and has no traps. Don’t be like SBF.
To redeem yourself from a terrible crypto year there is no better way than to actually not look like a cryptobro. Cashmere and traps will do that for you. Only then we can resume max bidding. The alternative way to redeem yourself is this (but seems like a crowded space tbh):
But back to actual recommendations.
Little Something For The Quirky Ones
After the cat posted the pic of Mr. Uniswap I realized that there is a subset of people in crypto that like to be extravagant yet have little to no taste. That’s fine and I am here to help. The Elder Statesmen pieces are something for this group.
These are not exactly my cup of tea but there is something aesthetically pleasing about this “hippie but a trust fund kid” look. Mind you, this will only get you laid in Williamsburg. Also, the traps are less of a requirement here. Still, it will make for great cozy and stylish knitwear.
The James Bond Look
Many of us fantasize about the 007 life. What’s not to like about it? Jet-setting lifestyle, women and occasionally doing justice by defeating a villain. Now be honest and tell me that you imagined this guy when you read the word villain:
For those of you who are currently in the Bahamas on a yacht cruising around the island and waiting for the moment to jump into the ocean at night with a speargun or parachute yourself into the Orchid residence, there is nothing better than N Peal pieces to fulfill those fantasies.
I am not joking. N Peal really made a 007 Cashmere collection and you can shop on their website directly. It is said to be high-quality stuff and it’s not that expensive.
For Those Looking To Raise Cash In 2023
This is going to be a hard one. You need that look that says “I’m not desperate for money” yet “I could use a little liquidity injection”. Not easy to balance this out. Raising in winter requires you to acknowledge it is winter time.
If you are a founder and you want to be less formal I recommend going for a cashmere hoodie (alternative here). If you’re going for them pension funds - something with a zip will do. Being somewhere in between, such as raising in Tahoe, this lovely Nordic Jacquard from Burnello is a must.
Alternatively, this Permanent Style cashmere rugby is one that just makes your investors mirin’ your traps.
Deadliest Catch Look
I know that in your life this is at best a reference to the STD that 2021 brought you or the FTX equity ownership, still men should at least pretend they live dangerously. A rugged look is very attractive to future GFs too. Nothing like a good ol’ fisherman rib chunky knit to give you that oomph.
You can shop for Johnston of Elgin fisherman rib in five colors here. For that muah rugged look, I recommend styling it with something like a Private White VC Wax Walker. Nothing says “I’m just going through a tough bear market so I have deep gloomy thoughts rethinking my own decisions in the past two years” as this toxic masculine fisherman look. Also, you need something to keep you warm when navigating the rough bear market waters with the crew.
For Those Who Sold Early
If you pressed “sell” early enough you can be much more liberal with pressing “buy” on these ones since these are a little heavy on the (IP collecting) wallet. I just have to say that the baby cashmere by Loro Piana is really really soft and nothing will make the nouveau riche cryptobro blend in with old money like a good ol’ LP. Alternatively, you can go with this heavy cable knit by Brunello.
Also, if you have sold exactly the top you should go for a proper winter hedge and get yourself a shearling jacket (or this one by Saint Laurent) to go with these chunky rollnecks.
Stylish Senate Hearing
I do not know if it’s mandatory to wear a tie in front of politicians but nothing will make AOC go softer on you than a simple light cashmere rollneck underneath a suit jacket. If Che Guevara was still around he’d be rocking a rollneck and she knows it.
If you have to wear a tie then break the rules. I mean come on - crypto is breaking all the rules and the senate should know this.
This is mostly relevant for the lobbying of US VCs but also Ryan Selkis. I have found some exquisite pieces that will rock your senate hearing. This simple rollneck from Johnston of Elgin in camel is a classic. There is just no way retail will get scammed by a person wearing a rollneck under a classy suit jacket. The best way to wear this is tone-on-tone with rollneck a bit of a darker shade.
I actually hate myself for giving you alpha here for free but I hate your ugly outfits more. Do not forget not to FOMO buy as after Christmas there tends to be a dip but beware as your size might not be available anymore.
Timing is everything my fren. Even when it comes to cashmere. Build your cashmere portfolio carefully, adding pieces one by one over the seasons. This is a long-term game.
