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Crypto Fashion: Boys To Men
This is a shitpost (with alpha)
I put up a random poll on Twitter.
Even though the meaning of life won by a small margin I noticed some urgent calls in the comments. We all know comments are what matters. Also, I’d like to get on Arthur’s good side since he is a very well known whale and it would really hit the spot if he bought my bags.
I thought since the world is going to end soon we might as well be fashionable. And, if by any chance it will not end, let us have fun to shine some light on these darker days. If this works out you guys might be able to finally get a GF.
My goal is that at the end of this post you’re not only going to know how to dress but it’s gonna get increasingly harder to friendzone you. Also, the chances of Irene noticing you will get much higher.
The topic of men’s fashion in crypto has not been addressed properly. I worry that if guys like Mike Demarais are crypto fashion icons then we are NGMI. I will likely get death threats but let me break it to you: Unisocks are not cool. They are maybe a flex amongst nerds, but no - they will not get you a GF.
I mean, you might impress Fred but is that really a goal? One also wonders; what’s happening with Fred’s rollneck in the pic? Looks like something George Jetson would wear. Anyways…crypto really really needs this article.
When I noticed Matty Graham giving some subliminal fashion tips I realized we’re in big trouble. Even worse, I heard some say Matty is The Rock of crypto. OMFG. If you really think that I recommend you to duckduckgo Barney Rubble. After that you will not look at Matty the same way.
There are some ground rules that have to be established. First one is clear: NO CRYPTO MERCH. You can wear it at home but I would still recommend getting rid of it so you do not get tempted. Wearing crypto merch is 1. Unfashionable 2. Irresponsible. There are other ways of signaling your wealth.
Let’s start with a hopeful attempt that just failed short of achieving a classy look:
I actually think the GTA Vice City look is cool but there is a thin line between “I might be working for the cartel in Miami and it’s the 80s” and “Tom Selleck had a less masculine son who bought BTC early”. Let’s learn from Frank’s mistakes. Below I am proposing three different looks for the upcoming crypto spring events.
“Miami Cuban Vibes” Look
Miami is a crypto hub so I am on board with the theme. To shine at the next BTC maxi conference or to impress Keith Rabois you should remain within the theme but let’s try a classy polo shirt. You can’t go wrong with these silk & cashmere classics by Brioni:
If you do not want spend thousands bucks on a polo because you overspent on dumb NFTs that are never bouncing back then these timeless pieces from Percival London could be an option. Also, they likely retain value better than most of those NFTs you own (no that’s not Matty Graham on that pic below).
For the pants; you keep it simple. Nothing too crazy, one color chinos.
Shoes are key here. There is nothing that will sell you better than a sexy pair of loafers. Imagine this is still 2019 and we are doing startup pitching in person. If you’d walk around Sand Hill Road in these Chris Dixon would write you a fat check regardless of what nonsense Ethereum killer you’d be pitching.
“I’m Destined To Become A Billionaire” Look
One simply does not shine in a Patagonia vest. While the meme is real, branding of any kind is uncool and Patagonia is not expensive anyways so you’re doing it wrong. But gilets or vests are key if you want to fit in with the VC crowd. At the same time you want to stand out not just blend in.
Bezos is doing it right. Basic polo, simple vest and jeans for a sophisticated yet sporty look. This is the look that screams: “I have a mildly opinionated yet non-threatening Substack”. Wear one of these gilets to a panel on the future of Web3 NFT marketplaces and you’ll be the talk of the next crypto corp-event.
If you own a pair of juicy round 3D popping delts (if not I recommend you get some) just wear an understated T-Shirt by Tom Ford, or a basic zip-up ivory polo by Brioni. For the jeans, keep it simple. No pre-washed patterns, cut-outs, rips or applications.
“I’m A Whale And I Know It” Look
This $30k Loro Piana vicuna overcoat screams “I made it!” more than Fisk’s Twitter feed. Is it really worth that much? - I do not know, but I’m sure it’ll keep you warmer than those jpegs for which you paid double the amount.
This coat has longterm investoooor written all over it. Wear this and your $25k will 100% be squeezed in the next oversubscribed “angels-only” pre-pre-seed round.
You also need something to keep you warm when your cold ass feels like moralizing about everyone in crypto being greedy dumping on retail…while you’re spot-selling that first unlock of your angel ticket of that last pre-seed round.
Moving on. We definitely do not see enough suede jackets at our local meetups and we’re missing out. You’ll pump up the atmosphere big time if you show up in one of these.
I encourage you to resist the urge to wear anything bling bling like Gucci. There are other ways to show that you run a profitable MEV bot operation. Shiny branded shoes are not one of them. You’re not a gypsy king ffs. You're the men of culture saving humanity from the apocalypse of a made up nerdy dark forest shit.
Make no mistake; this article is setting you onto the right path. Understated natural earthy tones are simple yet classy, and most importantly: timeless. They are the Bitcoin of your wardrobe; you cannot go wrong with it.
Wear anything of the above and you’ll make Three Arrows look like schoolboys. It does not matter if they will outperform you. In the game of fashion you will be the winner my friend.
That's all that matters since everything is going to zero anyways. You might as well spend it while you can. You will be buying the rarest commodity of them all - class.