Getting The Devs Jacked

10 Rules For Cryptowinter Muscular Development

I know the headline says “devs” but this is not only for the devs. Whether you’re a VC, founder, advisor, trader, angel investor, community manager, or operator - this is for you. This is for all of you who need to get in shape.

There is no more DeFi summer, Kusummer, or Solana summer. There is only “world of atoms summer” (not shilling Cosmos here) and I know that scares you because you spent too much time flexing NFTs and you have no chesticles to flex. And if we discuss flexibility below, I will be not referring to your ability to flex.

Peak sigma grindset ready for winter

Even though we’ve left that part of the cycle where founders ask “what’s your value add?”, this article is the best value add you are going to get this year. And I know that people are like “Wtf bro, the summer is already here”. No, it’s not. The winter has only begun.

So I say it’s time to bulk, cut, and make those gains so that next time you happen to blindly trade yourself to seven to nine-digit wealth, you’ll at least look the part. I’m just getting you ready for the next stage of the supercycle.

And if someone says “Nah bro, we nerds get rich without da body.” - I call bullshit. This was Arthur Hayes before bitcoin:

Indeed, before Arthur was pumping your bags he was pumping iron. How do you think you get the strength to single-handedly lift the market when everyone thinks it’s over? The message is clear, you need da power and da body to deliver powerful pumps. Also once you get rich (again) you’ll be too lazy to do anything. Now it's time!

We’re building your self-esteem here. When the new ATH hits you can make yourself believe that your gf is not with you (only) for the money. We can’t do anything about the face but that’s not important. There is something we CAN do about those mustaches though.

I’ve noticed that some of the guys like to rock mustaches and that’s great. But I have to break it to you guys: there is a certain muscle to mustache ratio that must be maintained so that one does not give off that “sex offender” vibe.

Low T vs high T mustache

To deliver massive pumps we need to increase the average muscle mass of crypto commentators in normie media to balance out those mustaches. We need those thick neck veins and the “shirt looking like it’s going to burst and the top button flying away killing the camera guy” look.

But do not worry Frank and Nic. I'm here for you. What I’m giving you here are 10 rules for getting the devs jacked. And we’re all devs here because we’re going for that muscular development.

Rule #1: Don’t get cocky

First, we need a little bit of mental preparation. Some of you might have an attitude problem and get cocky for no reason whatsoever, posting losses that are framed as wins:

I mean, wtf is this psyops? How am I supposed to know which is before and which after? I’d fire my coach if I put in a year of work and look like either of these. Under no circumstances can anyone post pics if they are not single-digit body fat and at least 190lbs.

The main message is: Do not get cocky if you make quick gains! Anyways, I sincerely hope Kyle will find a way to add 50lbs of muscle during the next cycle.

Rule #2: Make a plan, set some goals

This is not product development. Plan and goals are really important and should be adhered to. You should choose a training plan and set tangible and attainable goals. If you have some money left, hire a trainer but be wary most are bullshitters just like all the trading coaches and crypto influencers.

When it comes to goals it’s easy: set a number you’d like to lift on the bench press, deadlift, and squat. If you don’t squat because “you got a bad knee” then fix it! It’s just an excuse.

Another set of goals should be related to body weight and body fat ratio. Imo there’s no reason why a healthy male of whatever age should not have visible abs. It’s just inexcusable. A goal of not looking like skinny-fat dadbod will not do. Make it a freaking number. You should be good with numbers.

Rule #3: Bigger pecs=fatter checks

I don’t trust any man who does not benchpress their bodyweight for reps. This makes it difficult for our team because none of those slobs do so I just can’t trust them. I’m always watching them as they’re bound to screw up with those ratchet chests of theirs.

A rule that will get you far in life is that you can trust a man who benchpress a lot. And you wanna be that guy. Because if you bench-pressed heavy that means you know what it feels like to lift a bag above your head that can literally smash your face inwards. 

Just look at the pictures below and tell me who’d you trust more and lend him 50% of your net worth to make money for you:

I thought so. The bottom line: if you want people to trust you - you have to bench and bench some more. As a consequence the money rain is inevitable.

Rule #4: More plates=more release dates

If the senior dev on your team does not look like Mike O’Hearn I’m bearish. If you want to make it through the winter you need both: maturity, muscle, and strength! It’s not only about the look. You train for POWA! Adding plates to the bar is essential.

Whether it’s a simple linear progression or some sophisticated periodization make sure you’re getting stronger. I hate to break it to you but you have to at least:

Benchpress 1.25x your bodyweight

Squat 1.5x your bodyweight

Deadlift 2x your bodyweight

And these are ridiculously low standards. Your size is not my size. But hey, look at what I have to work with. If you can’t do the above I do not understand how you can even think about raising that Series A. You are dead, finito, crushed in the seed stage.

Rule #5: Try the Bulgarian method of training to understand the pain

So you’re crying on Twitter now because SBF dumped on you? You’re shaking when you refresh the balance on your portfolio monitor every time you wake up? I suggest you grow up.

You need some tough love and the Bulgarian method of training is exactly that. This method is just maxing out every time you’re in the gym. Does it hurt? Yeah, it does! Does it break you? Yeah, it does! Have I ever tried it? Gtfo, I’m not stupid.

But you need this. You need this so you can get used to the pain you’re about to experience in the next couple of months.

Rule #6: Forget bodyweight, functional, apocalisthenics, and other BS

I can’t stand this nonsense. Everybody wanna look swole but nobody wanna pump iron. “Hey man, I don’t wanna get too bulky!” - Well you ain’t gonna anyways. If you’re not a genetic prodigy (trust me you are not) it’ll be very hard to get bulky (if you don’t mean fat because that’s easy). 

Sometimes I feel like these concepts have been made up so that people can do “influencing on social media”. It’s all nonsense. I mean look at Olaf, how much did the tree-climbing functional training help him to stay on top?

A functional training poster boy

He used to be like the top guy back in 2017. Now SBF, CZ or Paradigm could have him for lunch (and they do not even lift). So what’s the lesson here? Functional stuff like tree climbing is even worse than not lifting at all because you maintain the integrity of your lazy skinny-fat persona.

Rule #7: Count calories & know how to bulk and when to cut

I’ve been to some conferences and I know that most of you could be found in the extremes. Either you guys are storing months worth of glycogen or you look unnatural without a bunch of flies sitting on your face and torso. 

You all should learn how to count calories. There are apps you know. Not dapps yet but I bet there is a count-calories-to-earn in the works somewhere (I bet it’ll be on Solana and it’s a low-float P&D going to exactly zero).

So if you’re on the rounder side I recommend a caloric deficit and protein-rich diet. And I mean real protein (as in meat). You do not have to stay away from carbs and go keto like kids do these days. If it’s your thing then fine but all you have to do is eat less than your baseline caloric level and feed da body with protein for that sweet protein synthetix (it’s spelled like this right?).

Set yourself a goal of losing e.g. half a kilo per week. Go to the gym, lift weights, no need for cardio just download StepN app (promo code: MATTISWOLE) and walk 12k steps a day minimum. Weigh yourself everyday to make sure you’re on track.

If you have problems controlling yourself around food then that’s too bad. Remember, the best diet is the one that you actually do. Don’t starve yourself for a week and then stuff your face full of food the next one. Consistency is key (rhymes with contingency). 

If you’re on the other side of the spectrum you just have to eat A LOT. “Oh man, I eat so much you have no idea”. - No you don’t. You’re a weakling. Eating is work if you’re skinny. It’s max effort everyday. 3000 kcal per day and you still can’t gain weight? Try 4000 kcal! Still nothing? Add extra 500 kcal. Nothing? Well, Michael Phelps famously ate 10k kcal per day. Do you have what it takes?

I am on the skinny side. I burn through calories like 3AC burn through uncollateralized loans. I learned the hard way. I have to eat around 3500 kcal daily just to maintain (sitting below 190lbs/87kg) but I force-fed myself all the way to 220lbs. It was hell but it was necessary. 

Plus, today I eat those calories in a span of 7 to 8 hours. Yes I do intermittent fasting. I have been doing it for 10 years. I was early on that trend and I wish I was so early on bitcoin.

Lots of angry investors will call asking for a refund. Get devs ready.

Rule #8: “Supplementation”

I know that many just want to cut right through the bs and ask “How much TRONbolon do I have to take?” Well, my friend, you ain’t touching no TRONbolona and you know why.

I’m not your doctor but supplements are what the name says: they only supplement. To translate this to something you can understand: imagine the max token supply of a Silicon Valley crypto project. Yeah that 5% community token allo is your “supplements”.

The diet (aka real food) should provide for most things. If you want to know what you need to supply in addition to your diet get bloodwork done. These days there are companies that can test you and send you tailor-made supplements for your deficiencies. 

Rule #9: Take care of your recovery

You have to learn about your own body. Get a physio, watch some YouTube videos of Kelly Starrett, work on your flexibility, do some heat & cold exposure, etc.. Get off Twitter and learn about that sack of meat your consciousness calls home. You can’t have back pain if it’s not a broken spine from deadlifting too heavy. 

And what is with the devs and carpal tunnel syndrome? Get your forearms bigger and stronger (even though it’s a shoulder issue). If you’re a coder and your forearms don’t look like Popeye’s you’re doing it wrong. Also, massive forearms will provide for a firm grip if they have to hold those bags for the next three years (lol they’re vested anyways I know).

Rule #10: Do Crossfit!

This is a special recommendation for projects I have not invested in. Do it a lot! Especially core devs should do Crossfit hard and enter regionals in under 12 months. If I have invested in you please ignore this recommendation.

***

That’s mostly it folks. Let’s hope that the only thing that will be inflating this year is your biceps so that we can resume up only as healthier and more shredded versions of ourselves. If the business does not go well we might open a Zee Prime winter boot camp for devs and VCs to get jacked so stay tuned.

If you came here for real tips and you wanna start lifting then please read this to understand that you suffer from Fuckarounditis. For a solid workout plan with background info, any of Jim Wendler’s 531 books should do. In terms of a deeper understanding, any content by Kabuki Strength is gold. For dieting tips, I’m a fan of Berkhan’s Leangains method and Efferding’s Vertical Diet.

But you do you.